I Need a Shoulder to Cry on Because I'm Sick of Sleeping on a Wet Pillow

I am tired of not having a shoulder to cry on and today has been a complete breakdown.

Please, I'm not as angry or emo as all that stuff above sounds. I just needed to get it out of my system. I've been a complete bitch today, and I can't really explain why. One little thing triggered it, and I am just crashing. Senior year is a major bitch. It's been worse than all my other high school years, and my high school experience hasn't been all that great. I am so ready for college. At least my dad will be letting me dorm wherever I go.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way -

SPRING BREAK WAS AWESOME!!!

I got to hang out with a ton of people who I haven't seen for a while. Saturday night, when I first got to SF, I hung out with Andrew and Matthew from DHDH. That was a blast since my parents actually let me go out on my own. We were having a long discussion about where to go, and I was feeling a bit picky that day (after eating In-N-Out Animal Fries -_-;;) so Andrew and Matthew cordially allowed me my pick of sushi. We ended up at a place called sushi boat, and Matthew was greatly entertained by how they priced the items and how the food came around on little boats swimming on water. It was fantastic, even with our sushi epic-fails. Matthew ended up eating mainly California Rolls since he doesn't have an affinity for sushi (according to him he splashes globs of soy sauce on). We were discussing the extreme oddity of the green tea cheesecake, and wondering about random food trays that floated by, when I saw something, covered by plastic wrap, that looked like goi cuon (springroll) with a yellow-orange sauce on top. I exclaimed over that, and Andrew and Matthew just laughed at me for thinking a sushi place would have goi cuon. Andrew took the initiative to try it out, although he said it wasn't that epic. Matthew decided to look for the "most-expensive-yet-rare-plate-of-awesomeness," but when he saw that it was just chunks of tuna, he decided he didn't really need to get it since it wasn't that awesome. After that, we were searching for the middle-priced plate because frankly, we never saw one of those. Matthew began a new trend of lemon-flavored soy sauce, which Andrew and I adopted, and while not epic, it was still pretty tasty. I decided to get a salmon and tuna nigiri, and when I saw the tuna one, Andrew picked it up off of the boat. I thought he was going to give it to me, but he just reached over me and placed it back on another boat floating by... Then Andrew and Matthew decided to fill up one boat all with the same thing. They got three plates of edamame on one boat, thinking edamame wasn't a popular item, but then a boat comes by with just one plate of edamame left and nothing else. Surprised, Andrew and Matthew grab at surrounding edamame plates and pile it back on a boat. A few minutes later, Andrew states, laughing, "Oh man, we got owned by sushi." And indeed we (the switch to 'we' indicating that I was fooled by the sushi also, although I did not partake in their festivities) did. The original boat was floating back with the three original plates of edamame still on it. Well, eventually they got a boat full of edamame, and as promised, I took a picture of it and set it as the background on my phone. Too bad Andrew didn't roll around on the ground - he was debating it.
After that, we decided to go for frozen yogurt. Andrew listened to Matthew and got lost trying to find the freeway. All three of us are pushing curfews, so we decide to look for Cold Stone. Alas, too late, using the GPS we find the nearest Cold Stone to be about 2.3 miles away. Backwards. So we search Baskin Robbins instead because I had my coupon (no clue if it worked in California). We found one, so we bypassed my hotel, I called my parents to let them know we were getting ice-cream, and ended up on El Camino Real where Andrew sees a Quickly (which I now desire to experience). Andrew figures out that well, he screwed himself - dropped his bank card in the mud and de-sensitized it (or de-sanitized it as I originally said). We're about to approach BR31 when Andrew spots frozen yogurt and says, "Look, Nubi Yogurt. I don't know if I trust that place, sounds too new." Ha-ha, ha-ha, very witty XP. We get yogurt, and Andrew, not being a fan of the froyo trend, abstains, saying he only partakes when there are enough people. I figured, even being from CO, I'm just not important enough. It's okay though, my reunion with DHDH people is enough to bring bad weather, and that's all anyone needs XD.

Sunday I go up to Sacramento with my parents and meet up with Anh Phi Hung, long lost Huynh Truong of Doan Thieu Nhi Thanh The Kito Vua Denver. We have a good time, I somewhat help out with the Thieu Nhi sinh hoat. I met a lot of people who I had seen at Dai Hoi Nghia Si III. I played a few games with the people from the Nghia Si Len Duong class, including 7-Up. I figured out the boys love to choi ngu, and they were super-dirty minded. -_-;; Seriouslyyyyy. After that went to go eat with Anh Phi Hung and a couple of Du Truongs. We had a good time. Checked out the UC Davic campus after that, had some frozen yogurt there (though not as cool as Nubi Yogurt). Went back to ChinaTown to eat.

Monday hung out with my cousin Mai Thy. We went down to Monterey Bay (so not worth it) and back up to SF. We got Nubi Yogurt. We checked out Pier 39, Fisherman's Wharf, and ChinaTown (again). Went down to Grand Century Plaza to eat at Saigon Restaurant. It really is a delicious place.

Tuesday went to Napa Valley, then went back to SF to go to Japan Town. That was pretty awesome, and I got myself green tea ice cream. Went to Westfield Mall after that. If anyone knows me well, they realize I hate shopping, so I ended up not being a big fan of Westfield. Went back to Grand Century to eat. Wasn't as epic food.

Wednesday hunted down the Jessica McClintock warehouse, went to the pier marketplace, went back to Japan Town to get a black yoshi, and then got Nubi Yogurt (again). Then I flew home. After eating not so epic sushi at the airport.

So I had frozen yogurt for a total of four times (three at Nubi Yogurt), and I got green-tea ice cream once. And green-tea flavored frozen yogurt once. It was an awesome experience, and I'm blessed with conservative parents who save enough so I get to travel out-of-state every year. Awesome awesome.

The Random, The Pun, The Question Marks

Here's a random story that happened to me almost three years and some months ago. I recalled it recently and had to tell my friend Andrew because I figured it was right on his wave-length of humor. Of course, it is not something that goes so well read, as you will shortly understand.

So I was in my school's musical back in ninth grade. During practice one random day, I was wearing this shirt that I had bought in California. A girl standing across from me remarked, "That's a cute shirt! Too bad I could never fit it."
I had no clue how to respond to that. What was I supposed to say? "Oh, it would go fine on you."? "Work on losing that belly flubber and you'll be fine."? "I'm sorry you have such a pessimistic view of your own body."?
Regardless, I didn't have to worry. She just continued on with her talking and asked me, "How are you so skinny?"
A bit embarrassed at such a question, especially since I do absolutely nothing health or fitness wise to deserve such, I answer, "I think it's because of my genes."
In response, the girl says to me, "Girl, it's not, because if it was, I would've already bought them."

Obviously I am this skinny because I shoved myself into some size three jeans. No! Really now -_-;;

So my teacher was telling me a story the other day about his trucker brother. This brother happened to have to take a load from Northern Colorado to Souther Colorado, and he was driving on one of the narrow inner streets near downtown. He tried to light up a cigarette at a stoplight, but the line started moving so he accidentally flicked the lid off and spilled lighter fluid on his arm. Re-capping the lighter, that brother tried to re-light his cigarette. Genius that he is, he lit his arm on fire.
He rolled down his window and stuck his arm outside, waving his arm around. Unfortunately for him, a state patrol was driving behind him and pulled him over. He said to my teacher's brother, "I'm sorry sir, I'm going to have to put you in jail."
Throughly confused, the truck driver asks why, and the response he receives is, "Because you are in illegal possession of a firearm."

Raven's Wings

I seem to be attracted to people with a darker side.

Perhaps I find them to possess an alluring quality. People who are really nice and kind when you first meet them, yet as you get to know them you realize they have an innate dark side. The darker side of human nature - it's like bait to me. I'm scared of actually finding the truth, yet I always toy with it.

In middle school and freshman year of high school, I had some friends who were ridiculously funny when I first met them. However, as I got to know them better, I realized that they were depressed. I do not have the courage to support people who need me to be there for them, yet I continued to... lead them on? A part of me, a part I still try to suppress, wanted to see how far I could push things. I wanted to find out what wall they were running in to - a glimpse into their lives. In the end, I scared myself so bad I refused to talk to them, and to this day, there are still some who I cannot stand to look in the eye (yes, I know, a horrible solution).

Depression wasn't the only point though. The person who I am dating now has some traits that are definitely more (radical?) than in most other people. However, I don't think he reaches the definition of "dark" that I am trying to grasp.

Whenever I think about a "dark side" of a person, I immediately think about a guy who I used to like. And no, there is no reference to his dark skin. Often he is cheerful, joking, and laughing. I don't think I could find any depression in him, or else he skillfully conceals it. But there is definitely a part of him that I can sense. Sorry if I sound creepy. I was having this discussion with a couple other friends before, and I casually remarked, "Him and his brother have devils inside of them." My friends instantly replied, "Oh yeah, they definitely do." That guy and his brother have changed a lot. Everyone does, but theirs is...different. Their choice of friends and hanging-out has changed radically. They've changed so much that I almost can't even say "hi" to them, no matter no strained the greeting.

On top of that, I've heard stories about this guy's past, whether from other people or from himself. They are anything but pretty. I can't attest to them because I have never witnessed any of those actions for myself, but I can say that those tales came from him and not through other parties. He stabbed another kid in middle school with a glass shard. Tell me that's not scary. I think he's making an effort to keep it on the DL, but there have been moments where I see a hint of his anger, and I shudder to try to talk to him then.

Pondering on the darkness inside of others leads me to reflect on myself. Self-assessment tells me that I lack some qualities that should be more important in human beings. Compassion is not my strong suit, and I would hardly call myself social. All of the underclassmen Asian girls at my school avoid me, because I don't say anything. I just sit there and stare, probably not with a very genial look. They talk to my upperclassmen guy friends, including my boyfriend, and they talk to one another, but I am the one who they never approach. One girl who said to my boyfriend, "Your girlfriend's in my class, but I don't talk to her. I don't think she likes me." A part of me thinks indignantly, "You don't know anything about me!" while another part grins evilly inside of me, nodding and agreeing, "Yeah, I think you're fake, annoying, and too desperate for society." Maybe I'm jealous of those girls' easy-going nature. Or maybe (as I like to believe) I'm at a more mature level. I am quick to judge - most girls now I find annoying. The girls who I do talk to are more focused on their future. They don't act all flirty with guys, and they are kind to everyone; clique-less is probably how I would describe them. In girls, I probably enjoy talking to people who's personalities are the opposite of mine. Mind you, I said their personality, not their act for society.

I am like a double edged sword. Neither side of me is very nice. There is only a delicate balance on the ridge where I am particularly "good" or "kind." One side of me is the hard exterior that all of the girls at my high-school see. The haughty attitude that others sense, the one that says, "I'm better than you. I'm smarter than you. I'm more mature than you. I don't like you. I don't like your personality. I don't like the way you act and talk. I don't like your clothes." The other side is one that people see after they get to know me well. That attitude is more disdainful. It's the one that puts out there, "I'm getting annoyed of you. I can't stand hanging out with you. You were cool, but I'm getting sick of you and your personality. You're more shallow than I thought, and I can't continue like this with my own goals." Most of my friends have probably seen this side of me. I try to be nicer, but it all ends up so fake, and I can't stand fake. I'm definitely like a sword laying flat. People start on one sharp edge, and then they climb the smooth, cold metal, resting safely at the top (that's for people who are my friends). Over time, they can't help but slide down the other side, and they encounter the other sharp side of me.

I'm not trying to push away all of friends, and honestly, while I can sometimes have a bad attitude towards them, I don't want to lose them. They are important to me, and I truly do value their thoughts and opinions. I just don't think my personality is suited towards them and what they enjoy doing.

With that being said - I actually regard myself as a fairly open person. Often I cannot stop talking about myself or things that I find funny. It gets to a point where my attitude is a "put-down" attitude, but I'm trying to change that. Besides that, if anyone asks me something, chances are I'll answer their question. I hardly side-step stuff saying, "It's not something I really want to talk about" or whatnot. I don't understand myself.

Just a thought. I could ramble on this topic forever.