Raven's Wings

I seem to be attracted to people with a darker side.

Perhaps I find them to possess an alluring quality. People who are really nice and kind when you first meet them, yet as you get to know them you realize they have an innate dark side. The darker side of human nature - it's like bait to me. I'm scared of actually finding the truth, yet I always toy with it.

In middle school and freshman year of high school, I had some friends who were ridiculously funny when I first met them. However, as I got to know them better, I realized that they were depressed. I do not have the courage to support people who need me to be there for them, yet I continued to... lead them on? A part of me, a part I still try to suppress, wanted to see how far I could push things. I wanted to find out what wall they were running in to - a glimpse into their lives. In the end, I scared myself so bad I refused to talk to them, and to this day, there are still some who I cannot stand to look in the eye (yes, I know, a horrible solution).

Depression wasn't the only point though. The person who I am dating now has some traits that are definitely more (radical?) than in most other people. However, I don't think he reaches the definition of "dark" that I am trying to grasp.

Whenever I think about a "dark side" of a person, I immediately think about a guy who I used to like. And no, there is no reference to his dark skin. Often he is cheerful, joking, and laughing. I don't think I could find any depression in him, or else he skillfully conceals it. But there is definitely a part of him that I can sense. Sorry if I sound creepy. I was having this discussion with a couple other friends before, and I casually remarked, "Him and his brother have devils inside of them." My friends instantly replied, "Oh yeah, they definitely do." That guy and his brother have changed a lot. Everyone does, but theirs is...different. Their choice of friends and hanging-out has changed radically. They've changed so much that I almost can't even say "hi" to them, no matter no strained the greeting.

On top of that, I've heard stories about this guy's past, whether from other people or from himself. They are anything but pretty. I can't attest to them because I have never witnessed any of those actions for myself, but I can say that those tales came from him and not through other parties. He stabbed another kid in middle school with a glass shard. Tell me that's not scary. I think he's making an effort to keep it on the DL, but there have been moments where I see a hint of his anger, and I shudder to try to talk to him then.

Pondering on the darkness inside of others leads me to reflect on myself. Self-assessment tells me that I lack some qualities that should be more important in human beings. Compassion is not my strong suit, and I would hardly call myself social. All of the underclassmen Asian girls at my school avoid me, because I don't say anything. I just sit there and stare, probably not with a very genial look. They talk to my upperclassmen guy friends, including my boyfriend, and they talk to one another, but I am the one who they never approach. One girl who said to my boyfriend, "Your girlfriend's in my class, but I don't talk to her. I don't think she likes me." A part of me thinks indignantly, "You don't know anything about me!" while another part grins evilly inside of me, nodding and agreeing, "Yeah, I think you're fake, annoying, and too desperate for society." Maybe I'm jealous of those girls' easy-going nature. Or maybe (as I like to believe) I'm at a more mature level. I am quick to judge - most girls now I find annoying. The girls who I do talk to are more focused on their future. They don't act all flirty with guys, and they are kind to everyone; clique-less is probably how I would describe them. In girls, I probably enjoy talking to people who's personalities are the opposite of mine. Mind you, I said their personality, not their act for society.

I am like a double edged sword. Neither side of me is very nice. There is only a delicate balance on the ridge where I am particularly "good" or "kind." One side of me is the hard exterior that all of the girls at my high-school see. The haughty attitude that others sense, the one that says, "I'm better than you. I'm smarter than you. I'm more mature than you. I don't like you. I don't like your personality. I don't like the way you act and talk. I don't like your clothes." The other side is one that people see after they get to know me well. That attitude is more disdainful. It's the one that puts out there, "I'm getting annoyed of you. I can't stand hanging out with you. You were cool, but I'm getting sick of you and your personality. You're more shallow than I thought, and I can't continue like this with my own goals." Most of my friends have probably seen this side of me. I try to be nicer, but it all ends up so fake, and I can't stand fake. I'm definitely like a sword laying flat. People start on one sharp edge, and then they climb the smooth, cold metal, resting safely at the top (that's for people who are my friends). Over time, they can't help but slide down the other side, and they encounter the other sharp side of me.

I'm not trying to push away all of friends, and honestly, while I can sometimes have a bad attitude towards them, I don't want to lose them. They are important to me, and I truly do value their thoughts and opinions. I just don't think my personality is suited towards them and what they enjoy doing.

With that being said - I actually regard myself as a fairly open person. Often I cannot stop talking about myself or things that I find funny. It gets to a point where my attitude is a "put-down" attitude, but I'm trying to change that. Besides that, if anyone asks me something, chances are I'll answer their question. I hardly side-step stuff saying, "It's not something I really want to talk about" or whatnot. I don't understand myself.

Just a thought. I could ramble on this topic forever.